The One Christian Cliché We All Want Gone

Alright people. This is post 3 of 5, and yes, I’m going to use a whole post about this topic because it’s got to be addressed. Someone has to just say something.

This is my my mid-series rant about something that really, truly, 100% is a Christian Cliché that’s got to go. I know the other posts in this series have served somewhat as a balancer for the “cliché” content you see in the Christian blogosphere. However, this post is where I completely agree with those who hate this particular cliché. It’s just so bad. It has to go.

Do you know what it is?

PAPYRUS.

No, not the parchment paper. I’m talking about the font.

Did the Christian coffee people all sign contracts together at a secret meeting somewhere to only use Papyrus? And where is this meeting? Can I crash it? Can I burn all the contracts? 

Did these store-front owners somehow discover “Thou shalt use Papyrus” somewhere in a hidden chapter of the Bible? Do they think the font looks super-ancient? Do they think the Bible writers wrote in this font? Because they didn’t.

I know it’s hard to believe, but the font was created in modern times. In 1983, in fact. That’s right people. NINETEEN EIGHTY THREE. As in the time of bright blues, crimped hair and scrunchies. How is this still a thing?

It’s been 31 years. It’s time.

I know, you’re thinking this is overly dramatic. And it probably is, however, one thing is for certain: there are a lot of other fonts out there y’all. And I’m not saying that because I’m a sub-par graphic designer. I noticed the Papyrus phenomenon way before I knew anything about design, and my thought was the same— whyyyyyy?

And the worst part is that of all the things impacting the world via the Christian faith, this bloody font is the front-runner! It’s not just a Christian thing anymore. It has somehow trickled its way into every part of America and its conversion rate is so fast I can hardly believe it. Almost every town I drive through has three or four shops with this annoying font held up high on innocent marquees that never had a chance of a better graphic life.

To the world of coffee shops and cafe owners, I’m personally sorry if this is the only impact Christianity has ever made on your life. 

In efforts to be logical, I’m going to try and give some reasons why the Christian world (and any other kind of world!) needs to graduate from Papyrus.

1. BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS MOVED ON FROM COMIC SANS

Well, for the most part. Comic Sans was released in 1994, and people (thank God) got over it after seeing WAY too many band-flyers and neighborhood cook-out mailers using this font. If Comic Sans was released in 1994 and people have found a way to get over it, the people hanging on to 1983 just flat out need to move on.

2. BECAUSE FRIENDS MAKES FUN OF FONTS MADE IN 1983.

Friends is one of my all-time favorite shows. If you are in conversation with me longer than about 30 seconds, I’ll make a Friends reference. And then you’ll see everyone give me weird looks, and that’s okay. Remember the old band that Ross and Chandler started together? (It was called “Way, No Way.”) Remember when they made the super-cool flyer for their first big gig?

FRIENDS-CONVOSo to me it’s pretty obvious: When Friends flashes back to those memories, the goal is clearly make fun of Ross and Chandler, not to make them look cool. I mean Chandler’s got a rat tail for crying out loud. So let’s rewind. Which font did they use to promote their band? Helvetica Bold 24 pt. Which was redesigned and released in 1983! The *very same* year that Papyrus was created! Are you making the parallel?

If Friends is making a clear effort to villainize 1983 graphic design standards, then everyone should just stay away from all fonts made in 1983. Unless of course you want your cool-factor to be on the same level as the “Ross and Chandler glory days.” (Watch the whole scene if you want to double check my research.)

3. BECAUSE THERE EXISTS A LEGITIMATE WEBSITE MAKING FUN OF IT.

This is the best website ever thought of. Apart from Amazon Prime.

The website is called PapyrusWatch.com. No really. The whole goal is to gather sightings of yet another store-front that has somehow allowed Papyrus into its marketing decisions. There are pictures from all over with the Papyrus font invading small and big towns alike. The best part of the website is the description of the Papyrus problem:

“The font I once used on a 5th grade paper about Egypt is now everywhere.”

Clearly if the font is bad enough to have a watch-dog group scouting its whereabouts, Papyrus needs to get the heck out of dodge.

Okay. I could go on about this. Like for a long time. But I won’t because I think I’ve made my point quite clear. Please holler back at me if you too have been overdosed with Papyrus and you’re waiting for the day that American Christians will fast from it for life. For now, however, we’ll just have to band together and avoid the coffee shops and café menus until they realize we are not in 1983 anymore. Or in Egypt for that matter. 

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*feature image credit: dwarfplanetpress.wordpress.com

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